Screw You, Tiger!

Posted by ken

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Hate Mail From Those Not Ready to Forgive & Forget

Are we really getting ready to let Tiger of the hook? After one scripted press conference, ESPN practically tripped all over itself saying that Tiger has taken the right steps to be restored in the hearts and minds of the American Public.

But what about those who are not so willing to forgive and forget? Most of them are too polite to rip Tiger a new one, too proud to sound off in public, or legally bound to keep their mouths shut.

What if they could tell Tiger how they really felt? What if they could write Tiger a letter, giving him a piece of their minds? And what if we could get a hold of those letters and share them with our readers.

Here's just a sample of how those letters might read...

From Rachel Uchitel - New York

Screw You, Tiger!

You paid me two million bucks to shut me up, but I'll let you have it anyway. You told me I was "the one", but I guess you were lying about that. I'm sure you told Elin that a few years ago, too. How many of the other sluts and porn stars heard that line?

You wrote me email love notes, ferried me around the world to meet you on the sly, and now you've got the balls to go into "sex rehab" so you can repair your relationship with your wife?! Good luck with that.

P.S. I only slept with you because you're famous.

From Phil Mickelson - San Diego, CA

Screw You, Tiger!

Playing second-fiddle to you for the last decade is now officially "humiliating." As I watched you rack up hundreds of millions of dollars in winnings and endorsements, I knew that, in any other era, I would've been celebrated as the best golfer in the game.

And while you were busy building up your phony "family man" image, I was actually living it, taking time away from the tour to look after my cancer-stricken wife.

I'm now going to rededicate myself to preventing you from breaking Jack Nicklaus' vaunted record.

The sport deserves better than you.

From a Pissed-Off Pop in Peoria

Screw You, Tiger!

My sixteen year-old son has been practicing obsessively for the last ten years in order to become the "Next TigerWoods".

He now finds himself on the verge of making his high school golf team as a result of his hard work. He's also wondering if you've single-handedly destroyed the game's popularity and dignity.

Should I send you the bills for his golf lessons, or just for lost future earnings and psycho-therapy?

From Elin Nordegren - Windermere, FL

Screw You, Tiger!

While I was home raising the kids, you were out messing around and lying about it. You had at least fifteen "other" women, plus countless more you haven't told me about. Oh, and thanks for letting me know via the "National Enquirer" — very classy.

Thankfully, others will now start to realize what a jerk you are, despite your carefully crafted image.

You told everyone that I didn't come after you with a three-iron that fateful night. Maybe they bought that story, maybe they didn't. But, just between us, nobody would've blamed me if I did.

Now sign these damn divorce papers and leave my check for $300 million on the kitchen table.

From The Golf Writers of America

Screw You, Tiger!

We spent the last decade building you up to be an American icon. Though we endured your immature sense of humor, your penchant for swearing and your bratty vindictiveness, we instead wrote about your skill, your competitive spirit and your devotion to family life.

Maybe a few of us even caught wind of your extramarital affairs but chose to look the other way. Thanks in no small part to us, you're now a billionaire.

And how do you repay us? By shafting us at your press conference. Next time you've got one of those planned, why not just invite and the National Enquirer?

Oh wait, you've already given them enough front-page material to last a lifetime.

From Jesper Parnevik - Jupiter, FL

Screw You, Tiger!

I vouched for you when I introduced you to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She was a personal friend of my family and nanny to my kids. And this is how you treat her?

I let slip a few public comments about what a bastard you are, but I sure wish I had just waited until the next time we shared a tee time. That way, I could've clocked you in the head with my backswing.

Either way, watch your back.

From a Disappointed Dad in Des Moines

Screw You, Tiger!

The other day I had to sit down with my twelve year-old son to explain why what you did is "not cool."

Let me tell you that when Dad says it's hip to be a family man, it doesn't stand much of a chance next to you saying "I deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me."

Let me ask you this... when you chose to abuse your power as a "hero," did you ever stop to think about the effect it might have on the kids that worship you?

Didn't think so.

From Rush Limbaugh, on Behalf of Black Women Everywhere

Screw You, Tiger!

While you were winning awards like "sexiest man ofthe year", "athlete of the decade" and "celebrity we'd break our vows for," you were out banging bleach-blonde white women.

Are you one of those black men who uses his money and fame to turn his back on his race? Are you trying to send a message to black women that the ultimate trophy wife or partner for an extramarital affair is white?

Next time you're going to sleep around or get married — and it sure looks like you'll be single soon — be sure to NOT let any black women know. They won't be waiting for you.

From Apolo Ohno - Vancouver

Screw You, Tiger!

When you were sniveling through your script and saying absolutely nothing at your tearful press conference, did you notice that a little thing called the "Winter Olympics" was going on?!

Some of us have spent the bulk of our lives perfecting our skills while, at the same time, managing to NOT cheat on our girlfriends or wives.

If you haven't noticed these athletes, perhaps you'll recognize them for their love of sport, their pursuit of ultimate personal achievement and their spirit of international competition.

Or maybe not... you seem to be too busy stealing headlines, filling tabloids and wrecking people's lives.

From William D. Green - New York

Screw You, Tiger!

I based Accenture's entire ad campaign on you, plastering airports with glowing signs that said things like "Go Ahead - Be a Tiger".

Thanks so much for making us the laughingstock of every travelling businessman. Sure we'd like to get back the $50 million we paid you, but the damage you've done to our reputation is worth a lot more than that.

Hopefully Nike will follow suit and drop you like we did — that ought to hit you where it hurts. Of course, I'm sure they'll wait until they've sold out some of their backlog of Tiger-themed products. I assume those will be on the clearance rack any day now.

Of course, we didn't have time to print all of the letters that might've been written. Notably absent are letters from offended Buddhists, Ian Poulter, WGC Match Play event organizers in Arizona, diehard golf fans, Tiger's foundation, and celebrities who didn't cheat on their wives.

Seems like Tiger's offending people faster than he can pay to shut them up.

2 Responses

  1. Underboob Thursday Dump | Bootlegger Sports- Sports Humor Blog Says:

    [...] I guess some people are still pissed off at Tiger Woods.  I’m only pissed that golf will garner even more attention when he returns, thus pushing cricket even further out of the coverage on SportsCenter.  How am I ever supposed to learn what the hell is going on?  Oh, and for the record; most of you would have tagged all those bitches too.  <zipgolfer> [...]

  2. Tiger Woods Hate Mail - PGA Golf | Deep Into Sports Says:

    [...] You, Tiger!For more, please visit: February 26, 2010 — Tiger Woods Sex Scandal Spin Control – Golf (0)August 11, 2009 — Tiger [...]

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