Riot Police Prepare for End of US OPEN

Posted by Robert on Jun 17

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BETHESDA, Md. – Additional forces were flown in from around the country and riot police have begun preparing for the end of the US Open at Congressional Country Club located just 15 miles from the White House.

“We don’t want another Vancouver here,” Police Chief Lovey Deaughnut said.  “Golf fans are unpredictable – you never know when they are going to snap.”

Last week hundreds of rioters overturned cars and set fires in the streets of Vancouver, Canada when their home hockey team, the Canucks, blew a 2-0 game lead in the Stanley Cup Final.  Several people spent the night in the hospital.

Deaughut is no stranger to mayhem in Bethesda, one of the most wealthy and highest educated communities in the country.  “Last month a homeowner who lived near the par-5 16th let his Miniature Maltese poop on the green.”

Rory Mcllroy, the 22-year-old from Northern Ireland leads the tournament after the first two days.  His 65 and 66 sets a new record for the lowest score after 36 holes in the 111th US Open and gives him a 7 stroke lead.

However, golf fans will remember how he blew a 4-shot lead this year at The Masters when he shot 80 on Sunday.  What’s more, Rory double- bogeyed his last hole he played today, taking a 6 on the long 523 yard par-4.

“This is like the perfect storm!” National Guardsman, Rip Abski said.  “This kid is from Ireland, right?   These people have been rampaging and wreaking havoc for centuries.”

No incidents have been reported yet through the first two days of the tournament but a spectator was removed after refusing to pay for his glass of wine at the Grey Poupon Hospitality Tent.

“He said he ordered a Cabernet, but was served a Merlot.”  Deaughnut explained. “He also said the Foie gras wasn’t good enough to serve at his son’s Bar Mitzvah.”  The man was tasered and thrown in the back of one of the 25 riot vans parked a half mile away at the nearby Yacht Club.

Golf fans typically go through metal detectors when entering the grounds of any PGA Tour event.  This is the first tournament where random body cavity searches have been implemented; moreover the Canadian and British fans are complaining they have been profiled.

“Bollocks!” spectator Charles Patrick Pierre O’Connor the Third, Esquire quipped.  “This bloke fancies lookin’ under my bloomin knickers, does he?... Why me and not that Yankee chap?!”

O’Connor was pointing at group of men being ushered in wearing camo’ pants and hunting jackets with large lettering on that back that read "GO BUBBA!"

 

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