RE: Tiger Woods Caddie (Full Time) – Resume Attached

Posted by Robert on Aug 19

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Dear Tiger,

I would like to apply for the recently open position as your caddie. I don’t have any actual professional experience on the PGA Tour, but I do believe I possess some strong qualities that deem me an excellent fit.

-- "Quiet Please!"

First and foremost, I’m very good at keeping my mouth shut. I hear and see nothing. (This is not meant figuratively.) Literally, I am blind in one eye, and most of my hearing has been damaged from my addiction to NASCAR. (I’m over that now; its golf all the way for me.)

I understand how important confidentiality is, especially in the wake of this overblown scandal of yours. The media is crazy! And I certainly know what it’s like to have beautiful women throw themselves at you.

-- "Stand Please. No Pictures!!"

Secondly, I am in top physical condition, perhaps not quite as fit as you. You are the statue of David. Check that -- you make the statue of David look like Homer Simpson. Tiger, you are a well conditioned athlete that changed the way golfers on tour approach the game (with the exception of that beer-bellied drunkard Darren Clarke). And what’s he ever done besides win the 2011 British Open? (Total fluke.)

-- "I SAID NO PICTURES! GIMME THAT #[email protected] #[email protected]$ CAMERA!!"

In addition, I work well under pressure. You need somebody that can get it done on Sunday. I will admit that most Sundays I’m mowing the lawn and napping in my hammock, but that doesn’t mean I’m untested. For example, one time I had to pick up an empty Coors Light can and toss it toward the trash without breaking my stride. I had 25 front, 30 back, with a left to right breeze. Needless to say, I drained it in the back of the trash can.

-- "IF YOU TAKE ONE MORE @#$%^%% PICTURE – YOU ARE GOING TO EAT THAT CAMERA, YOU #$%^ # #^^#*&^% #$#%^& #$#$$%^!!!"

Finally, I know that your top priority is winning majors and beating Jack’s record. And you only need 5 more to do it! Tiger, you can do that in your sleep, especially with the atrocious talent that is on the PGA Tour right now -- hackers like Rory Mcllroy, Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson, Rickie Fowler, Hunter Mayhan, Luke Donald, Ben Crane, Jason Day, and Nick Watney. These “pretty boys” may be able to hit it farther then you. And they seem to have a better short game… Okay, so maybe they can even sink a lot more putts than you can, but they aren’t Tiger Woods. You are the best player to ever play the game.

Please find my resume attached. I look forward to meeting with you at your earliest convenience.

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